Evangelion: Hagane No Genesis
by KalliopeStarmist
Summary: Or: Hoenheim of Light Saves the World With Giant Robots Piloted by his Sons. What was Winry and Hughes' past relationship? Why does Riza hate Sloth? Watch the drama unfold as Ed and Envy stomp around in giant robots! [rated for language]
1. Welcome to Central 3

Hoenheim of Light Saves the World with Giant Robots Piloted by his Sons

It has come to my attention that Gendo Ikari has nothing on Hoenheim. It's about to come to Ed's attention, too.

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_Don't know why I come out here every year,_ Ed thought to himself as he stood at his mother's grave. _She's as dead as last year, and it only makes me depressed._

A twig snapped behind him, and before he could process what was going on, his father, Hoenheim, laid some flowers down against the tombstone.

After a moment of reverent silence, Ed decided his mother would probably really like it if he made an attempt to see some good in his dad, so he nervously broke the ice. "You come out here too? I didn't know."

His father nodded, not taking his eyes from the grave. "Every year." Ed watched him, but he turned away, avoiding eye contact. "Edward, don't come looking for me anymore. You're old enough to stand on your own."

He may have said more, but was drowned out by a helicopter landing nearby. Ignoring the gusts of wind from the propellers, he walked up to the machine and climbed aboard, leaving Ed staring in shock as the machine flew away.

"Wait! Father!" he finally collected himself enough to chase after the aircraft. "What the hell were you talking about?"

Suddenly, Ed's pocket burst into Irish punk music. He stopped running and pulled a huge, bulky red cell phone out.

The Elric Brothers' Emergency hotline was a system designed by Envy, Ed, and Al to best deal with the problems that were sure to arise with the three of them and their unpredictable father figure. (Originally the "Of Light Brothers", they had found this too awkward.)

Ed ran up to his two brothers at their meeting place. "Guys, guys, the trippiest thing _ever_ just happened to me!"

"Never mind that, chibi-kun, we've got a problem!" snapped Envy, cutting him off. "Dad's lost his mind."

"Again," Al added.

"I know," Ed started again, "I was just,"

"He wants us to pilot _giant_ _robots_!" Envy interrupted.

"WHAT?"

"I told you, he's gone nuts!"

"You two are supposed to meet him at that old church that everybody knows secretly leads underground," Al informed his brother. "I don't have to, because I'm actually a trash can, not to mention dad kinda suspects that I am, in fact, the love child of mom and that guy who follows Lt. Ross around."

---------------------

Ed and Envy arrived on time, wanting to get this latest scheme of insanity over and done with as soon as possible, but Hoenheim was 1½ hours late. In fact, he didn't show up at all. A ditzy blond underling in a tubetop and sweat pants came in his stead and led them to Headquarters, located in the underground city that, for some reason, she referred to as "Central 3".

"Sorry about the wait, the Commander forgot about you," she beamed perkily.

"The Commander?" Envy gasped.

"Yup," nodded the woman, addressing herself to Envy more than Ed, who already knew her. "Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Winry Rockbell, I'll be your captain and roommate!" she smiled, bending forward to show off her breasts. "Note the cleavage."

Ed and Envy inched closer to each other.

"Winry! You can't hit on the pilots," admonished a bitchy looking woman.

"And this is Riza Hawkeye, an old bud of mine, a bitter old maid, and programmer to the 'bots. Technically, I should be the mechanic and she the captain, but my personality more closely matches Misato's, and she's a great Ritsuko, so there you have it."

Ed finally spoke up after they were introduced to the three lesser employees, Ross, Havoc, and Kimblee. "Winry, I've got to know, what are you doing here? I mean, Envy and I don't have much choice, but,"

"Well, Riza and the others are here on military orders, and I'm here because Granny was working here before she died and I wanted to be a part of what she was doing. It's an important operation, you guys should feel honored to be included. Oh, look, here's the Commander now. Hello, sir!" she switched to the high-pitched, condescending voice used to talk to the very young, very old, and very senile. "Look who came to see you. Now, I bet you three have lots to talk about, so I'll just leave you,"

"I'll come too!" offered a dark haired man who was following Hoenheim around. The pair of them bolted, leaving the two boys to their fate.

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Cliffies. For all your review-garnering needs.


	2. Sloth vs the Love Triangles

Hoenheim of Light Saves the World with Giant Robots Piloted by his Sons

Chapter 2: Slothvs the Love Triangles

Jon58840: Yes, you are correct, Evangelions are not robots, but artificial organic life-forms with armor. My only excuse for this horrible oversight is that these are off-brand, generic "Eva" units that Hoenheim pulled out of the Gate on accident one day while trying to make a smoothie. (Not actually what happened, but that'll come up in a later chapter). Seele is in the middle of filing a lawsuit over the copyrights. I apologize for the error.

--------------------------

"No fucking way." Envy declared, staring in awe at the four-story mechanical monsters that they were supposed to climb in and fight shit with. "There is no _fucking_ way. You can't just suddenly decide you want us because you need someone to pilot these "Evas" of yours. I mean, you haven't spoken to either of us in years!"

Hoenheim smiled bashfully. "Sorry, son. I just forgot about you."

"FORGOT? We're your CHILDREN!"

The Commander shrugged, not seeming to understand that Envy was upset, or if he did understand, not seeming to understand why he was upset. "You know how it is."

"No. I don't know how it is! Explain it to me!"

"Why are there three?" Ed asked quietly. The other two stopped arguing.

"What do you mean?" Hoenheim asked.

"There are three of those... Evas, but only two of us. Is the third a back-up?"

"Of course not, silly child," his father laughed, patting his head patronizingly. "I've already run Sloth through the basics. Now, let's get you two into your jumpsuits."

--------------------

"...Envy?" asked an unusually timid little voice over Envy's radio system.

"Yeah, Edo?"

"I'm scared."

"You should be. We're wearing hideous jumpsuits and trapped in gigantic mobile metal things designed by our father and Riza and controlled by Winry."

Ed shuddered and looked around at his surroundings. His eyes fixed on a message scratched into the paint of the cockpit. "Mine says 'Trish waz here' on it."

"Weird," Envy concurred.

"All right!" chirped Winry, a web-cam video of her and the others in the command room popping up on the two boys' screens. "Let's get these puppies started!"

Lights lit up in the cockpits, metal sheets creaked together, and the Evas groaned into action as Ed tried to unfasten his seatbelt and Envy braced his limbs against the walls. "Let's not and say we did!" the Sin pleaded.

Winry flicked a switch, cutting the power. "Fine by me," she shrugged.

------------------

Sloth sat uncomfortably in Hoenheim's office, watching the various transmutation circles painted about the floor and ceiling. One minute she had been minding her own business, the next, she had been kidnaped by a helicopter, and now she was trapped in Central 3, trying to make the best of things.

"You have really nice eyes," Hoenheim told her spacily.

"Um, thank you?" Sloth fidgeted, trying to shake his arm off her shoulders.

"Hey, you wanna see my Eva unit?"

"I beg your pardon?"

-------------------

"So, Lust says to him, get this, she says, "sorry, but my chiropractor wouldn't like it"," Envy finished as Winry and Ed chuckled.

"Look alive, people," Riza warned, "the Commander's here!"

A few minutes later, another panel lit up on the boys' screens, showing Sloth in a gaudy jumpsuit similar to their own.

"Thank God this is what he meant," she sighed.

"Sync rate at 75 percent!" yelled Hoho. "Release Unit 00!"

"What is he talking about?" Ross asked. Havoc shrugged.

"Fuyutsuki!" Hoho shouted, addressing the dark-haired man who had left with Winry earlier, and had since returned to his traditional post directly behind Hoenheim. "Fetch me my slippers!"

"My name is Roy Mustang, sir, not Fuyutsuki," the man corrected him, only to be ignored.

Kimblee, grinning like the maniac he was, hit the button to release Sloth into the testing room, an area designed for, well, testing the Evas. _Things are gonna go 'splody!_ he thought.

The giant humanoid machine lurched into the room, and caught sight of Hoenheim in the observation window (which was a one-way mirror, but, due to a construction error, had been installed the wrong way, so the command room had a big, useless mirror), and tried to get at him, punching at the glass in a futile attempt to shatter it.

"It's out of control!" yelled Havoc.

"Sloth! Speak to me, girl!" Winry shouted at the microphone, trying to communicate.

"Unit 00 has broken contact!" announced Riza, tapping frantically at her keyboard.

"SLOTHY!" yelled Hoenheim, obviously worried for her. "I'm going down there!"

"Sir, it's dangerous, ah, who cares," sighed Roy. It was clear that he was only here on orders, and not at all happy with his latest assignment.

"Um, hey, what's going on?" pipped the voices of Ed and Envy, who were still stuck in their 'bots and isolated from the action. "Is our father risking his life to save a woman with no ties to him, when he wouldn't lift a finger to save us, his own kids?" they asked, laughing. When no one responded, they realized they had spoken the truth, "_Unbelievable_," muttered Ed.

"Eject the pilot!" Riza commanded, and a giant test tube containing Sloth shot out of the Eva, landing next to Hoenheim, who gallantly ignored the superheated metal to open the hatch with his bare hands and pull her to safety.

"Uh, sir, I'm not hurt," she said, trying to break away from him (He was clinging to her). "I'm a homunculus, we don't,"

The others came running, wanting to know what had happened, and take the Commander to the hospital to get his hands looked at. Sloth kept saying she couldn't explain it, she had just lost control.

Over juice (Winry's treat) in the cafeteria, however, she told a different tale.

"So, what happened, Sloth?" Ed asked, taking a sip of Cranapple. "Was your Unit designed by Dante, who secretly hates you and dad, and after her death, her vengeful spirit possessed the robot that was her life's work, and went nuts when she saw dad?"

"That can't be it," Envy interrupted. "Mom's alive and well. Living in a condo in Florida. You know, she just sent one of those delightful little emails of hers, I'll have to show it to you."

"Yeah, I'd like that," Ed grinned.

"Actually, I didn't even lose control," Sloth admitted calmly. "I was just trying to kill Hoenheim, but that glass wouldn't break, so I told everyone it was an accident."

Winry raised her grape juice can in a toast. "Well, here's to a good try."

A tall man with disheveled black hair and square glasses grabbed it out of her hand. "Why, thank you, Winry."

The "Captain" leaned her chair back, almost losing her balance to get a look at the thief. "You! What are you doing here?"

The man ruffled her hair. "Ah, Winry, I'm just here poking around for the heck of it. That I get to see you is just a perk." He winked at the three pilots. "Howdy. I'm Maes Hughes, Hoho's new employee, corporate spy, and Winry's first—,"

"Hughes!" Winry snapped, turning bright red. "Don't talk about _that _around the kids!"

"Why, what is he talking about?" Ed asked curiously.

Envy laughed, Sloth sipped her juice quietly, and Hughes leaned a little closer to Ed. "You're her roommate, tell me, does she still sleep sprawled out all over the bed?"

Winry stood up. "Well, I think you kids had better get to school."

---------------------

The three "children" entered the classroom, which was a community-college class type thing that had been set up to pay for HohoBots Inc.'s expenses. The people who signed up didn't realize until later that they, like the pilots and the crew, would be locked/held prisoner in Central 3 the duration of the class.

The pilots scattered. Sloth pulled out a book and sat by herself in a corner, reading, Ed stood there awkwardly, and Envy spotted a gothy looking girl (Lust) and went over to talk to her.

"Long time, no see. What are you doing here?" he asked.

"Oh, I just thought that I should further my education so that I can live without being dependant on Master for all my information and such."

"Well, good for you..."

While they talked, a dark-skinned, muscle-bound, red-eyed man with a huge X over his forehead walked up to Ed, and socked him in the jaw. "Hey! Youse! Scar hate Ed!"

"Don't mind him," a nerdy Ishbalan kid told Ed, helping him stand up. "He's full of pent-up rage, but you can still be our friend."

Envy and Lust shook their heads knowingly. "Oh, boys."

-------------------

Ross was finally alone with Riza. Now was her chance. "Riza, I love—,"

"HEYAH, HAWKEYE!" yelled Hughes, bursting into the office. Ross squeaked and ran off. "Say, have you seen this picture of my my daughter? Isn't she cute? Gracia's watching her while I'm stuck here, they're so adorable together,"

"I think I know someone who disagrees," Riza noted wryly, with a dry nod over her shoulder at the woman in the doorway.

A comical storm cloud hung over Winry, eavesdropping in. "NEVER mention Gracia, or your marriage, EVER AGAIN!" she shrieked, throwing a stapler at him.

--------------------

Hughes when over to Winry, Ed, and Envy's apartment that evening to apologize, only to find Winry stinking drunk.

"Oh, Mr. Hughes!" yelled Envy, hearts in his eyes. "Look at me! Look at me!"

"Winry, how much have you had to drink?"

"Look at me now! Look! Look!

"When we were screwing, was it just to see how many times you could cheat on Gracia before she dumped you?" Winry growled.

"Look at me! Look at me!" Envy continued yelling.

Hughes ignored him. "Winry, babe,"

"Don't fuck with me, Hughes! You did enough of that in college!"

Ed's eyes grew to a size normally associated with tire radials. "_Way_ too much information! I'm going over to Sloth's to be angsty."

"She is a nice girl," Winry slurred, passing out cold as Ed slammed the door shut.

"Mr. Hughes," Envy simpered, now alone with him. "according to many of the slasher fans, you and I are involved."

Maes ran away screaming.

-----------------

Riza lit up a cigarette dissatisfiedly. "Why do you always close your eyes when we make love?" she asked agitatedly.

Hoenheim opened his eyes and sat up in the bed. "Did I do that again? Sorry. I blinked and forgot to open them again."

"And why does Roy have to stand in the corner while we do it?" she asked, pointing to the man standing aloofly in the corner.

"Who?" her lover asked.

"And are you screwing Sloth?"

"Boy I wish,"

"And... am I going to get pregnant? Because I notice that happens with a lot of your lovers."

Hoenheim shrugged and went back to sleep.


	3. Plugs for Dummies

Hoenheim of Light Saves the World with Giant Robots Piloted by his Sons

Chapter 3: Plugs for Dummies

I realize that the way the chapters are broken up is a little awkward... you see, this should just be posted as one giant one-shot, but that would be boring, and very long.

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Yet another day at the "school," Classroom Representative Lust (so elected by the males in the class), walked up to Ed and Scar as they tried to kill each other with alchemy in a teenage-male-friend type way.

"Is it possible for you to have a friend you don't hate, scarred man?" she drawled. Scar glared at her. "And are these your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage."

"I don't need this!" stormed Scar, blustering off angrily.

Lust lowered her voice. "Hey, Fullmetal, you're friends with Scar... does..." she giggled. "Does he ever... _talk_ about me?"

Ed blinked. "What?"

"Don't mind him, Lulu," Envy told his friend, kicking Ed in the head as he walked by. "He's clueless... so, you like Scar, huh? Why don't you do something teen-romance sweet... like, make him lunch?"

"Yeah," Lust mused. "That'd be so charming! He'd have to fall for me!"

Ed snorted. "You two know nothing about boys, do you?"

A siren went off in the school. "Red alert! All pilots report to Headquarters! This is not a drill!"

-----------------------

"All right, Kiddos," Winry briefed them as they got situated and ready for their first real battle. "A rouge pilot has found an Eva we didn't know about, and is attacking. Kill him."

"Good luck, soldiers," Sloth whispered sarcastically. Her fellow pilots snickered.

The three 'kids' were launched into the battle field, a large stretch of virgin forest that would soon be smashed. The enemy unit, which, for some reason, had an unnecessarily large right arm, rushed at Sloth's unit, Unit 00. She braced herself, but this was uncalled for, as her 'bot collapsed to the ground in a heap of spare parts before the enemy even reached her.

"Her batteries must have run out," Riza noted dryly. "I guess I forgot to recharge them. What. A. Shame."

"These things run on_ rechargeable batteries_?" Sloth asked skeptically as the enemy ran over her, smushing her 'bot rather badly.

"Cut us some slack, you Trisha Elric-wannabe," Riza snapped. "It's amazing we built these things at all with 1900's technology."

The rogue 'bot had reached Ed, who stepped out gallantly to attack it, and was slightly upset to find that his Eva only reached up to his adversary's shoulder. Before he could file this complaint with Winry, however, the enemy had grabbed his Eva's right arm and began twisting it. "HEY!" screamed Ed in pain, "My automail's false nerves are connected to that arm!"

Both the bot's and Ed's arms exploded into piles of bolts. Ed collapsed.

"Holy Shit," Envy muttered. "These things can really do some damage... hey, why did we build these things in the first place?"

"Your tax dollars at work," Sloth sighed. "Oh, crap, he's coming my way again."

Winry hopped up and down on one foot anxiously, trying to follow the drama. "Cover for me, Hoho," she finally gasped, bolting for the door. "I really need to pee."

Hoenheim took the helm. "Hello, Envy. How are you today?"

"Not so good!" Envy hollered, watching his enemy ripping one of Sloth's legs to shreds. "I'm coming back in so we can rethink our strategy."

"No, you aren't, you coward," the Commander ordered, doing a complete 180 from his usual trippy self. "You're going to kill Scar if it's the last thing you do."

"Oh my God, that's SCAR? No way! Lust would never forgive, and she's the only friend I've got!"

"Scar Smash!" yelled the enemy.

"All right, then, Envy," Hoenheim shrugged, pulling a floppy disk out of his pocket. "We'll just use this dummy plug system. It's experimental, but it should work."

"A what?"

"A dummy plug. It's a computer program designed to pilot your Eva for you by mimicking your soul," he explained, booting up the program as Ross, Havoc, Kimblee, and Envy gaped at him.

"Dad, I don't _have_ a soul!" Envy reminded him, as his Eva went nuts, the result of having a fake/flawed soul placed in a computer that wasn't designed to deal with any soul at all, and, much against Envy's will, kicked the blood-like substance out of the Ishbot.

--------------------

Lust went to visit the (now severely) scarred man in the hospital. "Hi. I... I made you some lunch, but the doctor says you can't eat anything until they fix that hole in your stomach."

Scar's finger twitched. Lust took this as a good sign.

-----------------

"I heard Scar's brain damage was minimal," Ed said hopefully as Envy furiously packed up his bags, taking as much of Ed and Winry's stuff as his own. "Come on, En, you can't leave me alone with Winry and Dad and Riza and Hughes! That's why we started the Elric Brothers' Hotline, so that we wouldn't have to deal with this stuff by ourselves."

Envy patted him on the head as he walked out the door. "Be strong. I'll break out of here and be back with help before you know it."

------------------------

One life-sucking week later, Ed and Sloth stared listlessly at Riza and Hoho. "You'll be happy to know that we have Edward's Unit completely fixed, and Sloth's is well on it's way. You two will be up and running in no time," Riza smiled.

"Also, you may have noticed that ever since Envy went missing, I mean, escaped, I mean, left, we've needed a replacement," Hoenheim continued.

"And here he is," Riza beamed. "May I introduce, Wuthell."

Ed stared at the tall blond boy. "You mean Russell. I know him."

Riza smiled. "No, this is Wuthell, Russell's evil clone from the slasher fics. He'll be sharing the apartment with you and Winry."

"I hope we can be friends," Wuthell grinned.

"Don't drop the soap," Sloth muttered under her breath to Ed.

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Next Chapter: The Climactic Finale! All your questions answered!


	4. The Truth is Out There

Hoenheim of Light Saves the World with Giant Robots Piloted by his Sons

Last Chapter: The Truth Is Out There

Well, well, here we are. This sure has been fun, huh? Especially for a crack fic that I wrote during a school assembly. Thank you all for reading and reviewing, and be sure to check out my profile after the show. (coughreviewwhorecough)

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Envy had not yet found a way out of Central 3, but he figured he was close. He was looking for a utility entrance when he found Hughes working on a garden. "Hi, Envy!"

"What are you doing here?"

"Oh, I figured that since I was going to die, I might as well die doing something I enjoy. I enjoy my melons. Of course, I'd rather they were Winry's melons, but you can't have everything."

Envy chose not to think about this. "Why are you going to die?"

"Oh, it's simple. Hoho has found a replacement pilot for you, but he's unaware that the pilot is an original character. And that's dangerous, because HohoBots is keeping Hiromu Arakawa locked in the basement underneath Headquarters, and the minute that she comes in contact with an original character unrelated to her work, yet still living in the universe that she helped create, all hell will break loose, and the entire world will be destroyed. So," Hughes smiled, "I'm watering my melons."

Envy rolled his eyes. "If you think you're going to guilt-trip me into going back there and defending the world, you're wrong."

"What are you talking about?" Hughes asked, looking genuinely puzzled.

"Don't play games! I know that you're telling me all this hoping to tweak my conscience, so that I'll go back to save Lust and Sloth and Scar and Ed and Winry and all those other people that I've come to care about while stuck here, but you've got another thing coming!"

The gardener stared at him. "No, you just asked me what I was doing, so I told you—,"

"FINE! I'll do it!" Envy shrieked, heading back. "But don't think that you had anything to do with my decision. It's my own choice!"

"...whatever," Hughes shrugged, going back to his melons.

--------------------

Ed did not look well rested when he was summoned to Headquarters, which Sloth was quick to pick up on.

"Wuthell keep you up?" she smirked. "Say, where is Wuthell?"

"Red alert!" yelled a panicked Winry (Hughes had told her about Hoho's nefarious scheme to kidnap the Holy Arakawa-Sensei). "Wuthell has stolen his Eva and used it to break into the basement! Edward! You have to stop him! We haven't fixed Sloth's unit yet, you're the only one we have!"

"Hurry, Pipsqueak!" a familiarly angry voice yelled. Ed and Sloth turned around.

"Envy! You came back?"

"Well, now we have to kill Wuthell," Sloth noted. "Otherwise, Envy's room is taken."

"You rented out my room?" Envy started indignantly. "I was only gone a week! But we'll talk about that later! Ed! You have to stop him from reaching the basement! If he gets there," Envy broke off with a shudder, and Ed decided he didn't want to compound the pressure by finding out what the deal with the basement was.

--------------------

Wuthell, using his sweet Orig. skills, had made his Eva act separately, beating on Ed as he tried to climb down to the basement. It was eventually defeated (in a battle that I can't spare any time to describe), but it had bought the time that the boy needed to reach his destination. Ed was too late.

The tall young man shook his head disappointedly, staring at the man huddled in the corner of the room. "Hideaki Anno. I should have known."

Ed's Unit burst into the high-ceilinged room, his PA system announcing, "Wuthell, I really don't want to have to hurt you."

"But you have to, Edward. Don't you see? There is only room enough for one attractive, young, blond alchemist here. One of us must die to ensure the other's survival. I'd rather that you be the one to live."

"Well, if you insist," Ed sighed, picking up his rival and smushing him.

--------------------

The poor kid was shaking when they unloaded him. "Father!" he screamed, struggling to get to Hoenheim. "This is it! Tell me what is going on! I have a right to know! Why is the creator of Evangelion: Neon Genesis in your basement? Where did these robots come from? Who the hell are we supposed to be fighting, if Scar and Wuthell were flukes?"

Hoenheim stuck out his tongue at his distressed son. "I'll never tell!"

"But I will," a deep voice behind him declared boldly. Roy stepped out from behind his superior officer. "HohoBots is a top-secret branch of the Amestris Military, started by Fuhrer King Bradley to defend the state in the event of a rabid fangirl attack. They were created by—,"

"Mustang! Don't say another word!" commanded the Commander.

"I'll say what I damn well please. I'm sick of you sleeping around!" he barked, re-addressing his audience. "The only creators he didn't sleep with were Scar's brother's fiancee, who built Scar's unit without our knowledge before her death, and Pinako, who built Envy's unit. Trisha designed Ed's,"

"No kidding?" Ed asked, amazed. "I can't imagine mom building anything more complicated than a model airplane."

"There was more to your mother than met the eye," Roy sighed. "That's probably why I loved her. Coughsubplotcough! After she died, just completing her work, your father took up with Izumi, who was building Sloth's unit."

"My unit?" Sloth asked. "But I hate that child-abusing cunt."

"Well, she hates you, if your sync rate is any indication," Riza countered. "I mean, you suck as a pilot."

"Ah, and I almost forgot about Hawkeye," Roy grinned. "The bitter old maid who followed in her mentor's (that is to say, Izumi's) footsteps. You hate Sloth, don't you? Because she's Trisha's homunculus,"

"Oh my god, she is?" Ed asked. Everyone else stared at him like, "well, duh."

"She's Trisha's homunculus," Roy continued. "And you can't stand it that Hoenheim is in love with her."

Sloth shuddered, and Ed and Envy hugged her protectively.

"Old Brad's been getting worried about what we're up to, so he sent Hughes along as a spy, hoping he could get some info out of his old flame, Winry. We knew about his mission, but we didn't say anything, because Hughes is basically an OK guy, and he did help us download some free music on our computers. But, when he didn't return, Bradley sent Wuthell, a fangirl... er, fanboy, of sorts. Created by yaoi alchemists. But they did too good a job. He loved Ed more than his own life." Ed shuddered. Sloth hugged him. "And there you have it."

"Fuyutsuki," Hoenheim growled, pulling out a gun.

"His name is ROY!" shouted everybody else present, pulling their military-issue handguns on him.

Hoenheim gulped, and smiled shakily at Ed. "You know, son, I always loved you—," he started, tossing his gun to the ground and leaping off the observation deck and running for the emergency exit beyond the robots.

"Stop him!" Roy yelled, leaning over the railing desperately. "He's got the keys to unlock the doors and get us out of this place!"

"Actually," Sloth said in her quiet little voice, from the back of the group. "I do." Everyone turned to her, and she held up a set of keys to prove it. "He left them in my room along with his glasses while attempting to seduce me. Now, why don't we untie that unfortunate man in the basement, free Lust and the other students, get Scar in a wheelchair, stop Hughes before he overwaters his garden, and get back to the real world?"

You could always count on Sloth to have things under control.

This Rendition of Evangelion Starred:

Hoenheim of Light as Gendo Ikari

Edward Elric and Envy as Shinji Ikari/Ausuka Langely Sohryu

Sloth as Rei Ayanami

Winry Rockbell as Misato Katsuragi

Riza Hawkeye as Ritsuko Akagi

Maes Hughes as Ryoji Kaji

Roy Mustang as Kozo Fuyutsuki

Jean Havoc as Makoto Hyuga,(the nerdy underling with the crush on Misato)

Maria Ross as Maya Ibuki, (the lesbian with the crush on Ritsuko)

Zolf Kimblee as Shigeru Aoba (the long-haired Nihilist/Metalhead)

Izumi Curtis as Naoko Akagi

Trisha Elric as Yui Ikari

Pinako as Kyoko Zeppelin Sohryu

Scar as Toji Suzuhara

Lust as Class Rep. Hikari Horaki

An Ishbalan Kid as Kensuke Aida

Hiromu Arakawa as Adam

Hideaki Anno as Lillith

Introducing Wuthell as Kaworu Nagisa

And with Scar's Brother's Fiancé, Alphonse Elric, Gracia Hughes and Dante as themselves.

(All names come from the Cast list in the Eva entry in Wikipedia.)

(I'm not such a big dork that I knew them all off the top of my head.)

(But, you must of figured that, right?)

(I mean, I'm not that much of an otaku.)

(Right?)


End file.
